If you have any questions, please contact Julie Freedman Smith at 403.281.2524 or julie@parentingpower.ca

PARENTING POWER (PP) Welcome to our Q and A session on Kids and Drugs/Alcohol! It’s Julie Freedman Smith from Parenting Power here with you tonight. We are excited to have Stacey McRae-Arbuthnott with us. Stacey is an Addiction Prevention Counsellor with Youth Addiction Services Calgary (formerly AADAC).

Stacey and I will answer your questions for the next hour or so. Please invite others to join us and send any information you find valuable out into the Facebook world for your friends and family.

Stacey, why don’t we get started with the question that Sherri Henderson posted below? Sherri wanted to know – at what age should you start talking to your kids about alcohol and drugs? How should you approach the conversation?

STACEY MCRAE-ARBUTHNOTT (SMA): Kids are smart! Even at young age’s kids see people smoking; drinking on TV or hear about it in the media; or see mom or dad having wine or taking medication, and ask what they are doing and why. Parents can use these questions as openings to start talking about substances, how they can help or hurt us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. At an early age, discussions might center around medicine safety (rather than pot).

Check out the following information for activities that can be done with your kids. http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/2434.aspwww.albertahealthservices.ca/2434.asp

PP: Stacey’s link to information about teaching kids about drugs is a huge resource that Parenting Power uses frequently. This particular link is great for talking to kids about drugs long before they might be encountering them in a party situation. It gives some great activities and also some helpful language around parenting and drugs (the whole series does this really well). http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/AddictionsSubstanceAbuse/if-par-parent-info-series-2-2.pdf

PP: When we talk with kids about the “tough stuff” – or as we like to say “Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll,” it is never just one conversation. We use the teachable moments that life presents us – maybe it is about taking cough syrup or in response to a TV show or a piece of music – those are the way in to some conversations about drugs, etc.
SMA: Music is also a great way to start the conversation. Music that has a great beat, that little girls and boys are dancing to, don’t always have positive messaging. Talk about those messages and what they mean to our families and our identities. Parenting Power One of the great things about the internet is that you (or your kids) can look up the lyrics to any song now – we have a lot of conversations in the car and around the table about what a song means and how it fits with real life and our family values.

PP: That is where it can start at a very young age – along with only putting healthy foods in your mouth versus other substances. Stacey, what about when our kids are older (late elementary/Jr High) and are heading out to a party? How might you suggest we raise the matter of drugs/alcohol being at a party?

SMA: Parents don’t want to come off as the over protective helicopter parent. Safety is the key. Talk about trusting your youth and being excited about the new experiences life offers them as they become independent. With independence comes risk and we need to talk about the potential risks you may encounter. If you haven’t already, this is where you set clear boundaries about your family values about drugs and alcohol. Ask your youth what their thoughts are and how they plan on handling difficult situations. If your youth is going to a party and plans on drinking, create a safety plan so they have a safe way out.

PP: Stacey’s link to information about teaching kids about drugs is a huge resource that Parenting Power uses frequently. This particular link is great for talking to kids about drugs long before they might be encountering them in a party situation. It gives some great activities and also some helpful language around parenting and drugs (the whole series does this really well). http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/AddictionsSubstanceAbuse/if-par-parent-info-series-2-2.pdf

PP: Stacey, there have been rumours about candy-like drugs circulating around playgrounds at schools. What can we tell our kids to let them know that this is a possibility and prevent their taking them?

SMA:  Key messaging is, if you don’t know what it is, don’t take it! Drugs aren’t typically given to kids by strangers. Knowing that drugs are offered or given to youth by people they know and have a relationship with, as parents we need to focus on education. Young children: I would focus on seeing the candy come from a familiar package, not picking up anything on the playground that looks like candy. Focusing on medicine safety as well. Here is a link www.albertahealthservices.com/2677.asp with lessons that can be done at home.

PP:  You have hit the nail on the head – our gut reaction is to protect our kids from strangers when it comes to sexual abuse or drugs. That is not the case – it is rarely the stranger. We need to be giving kids language to no to their friends/people they know when they are not comfortable. That really comes into parenting in general – we need to be teaching kids to make their own decisions, even when they are with us (of course with consequences for those decisions). If we do all of the thinking for them, they won’t know how to make good decisions when they are out in the world on their own.

PP: We need to remember that what we say to our kids is not nearly as important as what we do – our kids are watching our body language and our daily actions. If you are talking to your kids about caring for their bodies by putting healthy things in and then you are smoking or “Can’t get by without your 5 cups of coffee a day”, your actions are speaking much more clearly than your words.

PP: This link will take you to information about protecting your teen when they want to head out to a club or rave. It informs you (and them) about what could be there, risks and strategies. Also there are some activities listed at the end that give you a starting point for thinking about talking to your teen. http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/AddictionsSubstanceAbuse/if-par-parent-info-series-3-6.pdf

PP: Some parents believe that teens will be teens – they are going to drink and do drugs; it’s just what they do. Stacey, please share your expertise on this with respect to the law and statistics on kids’ drug and alcohol addiction.

SMA:  If a parent can delay experimentation for even a year, the youth has a better chance of not developing a problem. The brain has been given another year of skill building, stress management, social skills, emotional regulation,problem solving, self confidence, education etc. that will give them the protection they need to make healthy choices for themselves, not for their friends.

SMA: In regards to youth that are already using, teach them how to use responsibly. What is a standard drink (one beer, 5 oz of wine, 1.5 oz shot); how to make a standard drin;, what are signs of intoxication; how to keep yourself safe at a party; what is the recovery position for someone that has passed out; and most importantly, what are the signs of overdose and what do you do.

Coral Cohen posted : How do we talk about drugs without making them seem enticing?
SMA: Hi Coral, that’s a great question. It is so hard for children and youth now a
days not to see the glorified reasons to use drugs and alcohol. For this reason, I encourage parents to start talking to
their children now. Focus on the realities of drug use. Experimentation happens for
many reasons (curiosity, boredom, excitement, trauma, stress), but it isn’t a quick fix.
Talk about the effects it has on major life areas (family, friends, school, extra curricular,
faith/spirituality, job, financial and legal). For some youth, these reasons may be pros
for use, but it never stays a pro. Explore the breakdown in someone’s life when using
drugs and the effects it has on their brain during adolescent development. Give actual
trusting facts and DO NOT exaggerate the fears. Here are some websites you can access
to get accurate information. Look at them first to be sure that they are age-appropriate.
If they are, educate as a family.

http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/addiction.asp

http://www.talktofrank.com/

http://www.drugabuse.gov/parents-teachers (American)
http://theantidrug.com/ (American)
http://www.ccsa.ca/Eng/Priorities/YouthPrevention/Pages/default.aspx (Th…See More

PP:  Stacey, these websites are really helpful, as is your post. I know that
you once talked to me about the ripple effects of drug use – the child might think that
drug use is no one else’s business but really, it affects the people around the user, the
parents, people on the road if this person is driving – etc. Our actions have
consequences.

HOW do I teach my child that he is lippy when he talks to adults? It happens so often at home, that I’ve come to accept it – NOT GOOD! Now I notice he talks this way with teachers and other adults. He says he is just being honest so how do I teach him to show respect when he doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with it?

It’s amazing how we get used to a behaviour at home and then, seeing it in the “Real World” suddenly makes us very aware of a bad habit.

When it comes to teaching children a respectful way to interact with adults (yourself included), it needs to be about what to say rather than what not to say.  There is nothing wrong with a child being honest with an adult, so rather than telling him not to, we need to teach him respectful words to use (assertiveness = asking for what you need in a way that respects everyone involved). I

Begin with a specific example of something disrespectful you heard him say to an adult. At a calm time, let him know that you heard it and you are going to work together on learning a new way to ask for what he needs. At Parenting Power, we love to teach kids about “The Power of I”. This is when you start the sentence with the letter “I”. Some examples of sentence starters are:

I feel

I need

I see

I hear

I would really like

May I please…

You could work with your son to change regular sentences into Power of I sentences. For example:

You never pick me to answer a question becomes I would really like to answer this one OR I feel left out, may I please have a turn?

Everyone else got more than me! Becomes May I please have some more? OR I need some more please.

You are so mean to me! Becomes I feel really hurt when you treat me like that.

If this seems too complicated for your child, you could actually do it as a matching game – write out sentences on cards and have him match up the “Power of I” statements with the regular ones.

When your son is lippy to you,  you can simply say, “Please try that again with the Power of I”.

It is really important that you expect respect from kids at home for two reasons:

1. Kids live what they learn and learn what they live – he is with you more than with anyone else so he will be able to practice doing it well OR poorly on a regular basis with you at home.
2. When we allow children to treat us with disrespect, they learn that “In our family people can be treated with disrespect”. This means that he will think it is ok when others treat him with disrespect. When we teach children that they must use respectful language with us, they learn that “In our family, we all deserve to be treated with respect.”

If you are not sure of the lippy situations at school, pick one or two at home and start to teach new scripts. This will be a great gift for everyone in the family as younger siblings learn from older children as well.

Kids live what they learn and learn what they live. If they are going to learn how to say no and mean it, we are going to have to show them. They might get sad or mad. They might tantrum, kick, hit, fuss, cry, scream or slam the door. They want to know what it is going to take to bend your “no”. We need to show them that, when we say it, we mean it.

Does this mean we always have to say no? NO! (Sorry couldn’t resist that one). There are many opportunities in our daily routine to say yes. In fact, sometimes we can substitute in a “Yes, when” for a “no”. For example,

“Yes, you can have that cookie when we have a snack this afternoon. Let’s put it aside now and get some breakfast.” instead of “No! You know we don’t have cookies for breakfast. What is wrong with you?!”

Whether your child is 2 or 22, she or he needs to know that no means no. Whether it is about being denied a second cookie or denying someone who is trying to “get a little closer”, your child needs to know that when she or he says no, she or he means it and can stick to it as long as is required.

Here are some tips to teaching that no means no:

1. Decide on the rules for a situation and when you will say no.

2. Understand the values/reasons for the no so that you can feel confident in saying it. When you feel more confident, you are able to stay more calm and your kids will get that you mean business.

3. Tell your kids the rule and why/when you will be saying no: In our family, we don’t believe in listening to music that is all about sex. No, you cannot buy that CD today or next week. It’s not what we do. You can buy…

4. Acknowledge the child’s disappointment – s/he has a right to her feelings and needs to learn ways to express them respectfully. (We can help you with that).

5. Hold to your no. If you know you are going to cave, then go straight to maybe. If you just say yes, you will save a lot of time and breath.

Good luck!

If you are a hardened homework parent, you may be reflecting on previous homework battles and frustrations, hesitant to jump into it yet again. One of the most common questions we answer is, “Why do my kids need homework?”

In addition to providing children with the opportunity to practice and improve academic skills, homework can help children to learn responsibility, self-discipline, independence, perseverance and time management; skills which can further an individual’s success in all areas of life.

Parenting is about teaching our children to teach themselves. By supporting them in acheiving their scholastic goals and requirements, we help them to feel capable. If we value education, our children must see it in our actions in addition to our words.

Here are a 5 tips to help parents and children make the most of doing homework.

1. Keep the Balance

Whose homework is it? As parents we’ve already done many years of homework. Too much parental involvement results in a system out of balance.  A parent’s role is that of a facilitator, supporting and promoting the homework process but playing only a brief role. Rather than expecting perfection, allow the teacher to see where a child has difficulty. This can help the teacher know what the student still needs to learn.

2. Routine

Reestablish family routines, including expectations for homework. Discuss ground rules for homework and allow your children to be active participants in this discussion (example: Math first, thenReading). Involvement allows the child to feel like in control over the situation. Plan a productive time when homework fits into the daily schedule. This may vary with extra-curricular commitments.

3. A Place for Homework

Establish a consistent homework location. This will support the routine. Allowing the homework to occupy center stage in your home may result in too much parental participation. Some children work better with music in the background, others don’t. Find out what works well for your child. It may be different for one child than for another…that’s okay – they are different people with different needs.

4. Supplies

Children spend a lot of time not doing homework while looking for a missing ruler or eraser. Create a box of supplies that are kept at the homework location sot that the pursuit of the ruler does not land them in front of the television.

5. What You Should Expect

We all know that old habits are hard to break, so don’t expect a quick fix. Change can be fragile, particularly in the early stages and relapses can occur. Try not to slip back into taking more responsibility than your role should have. Talk with your child’s teacher if homework is taking longer than you expect. With open communication between teacher, student and parent, everyone can gain from this process.

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/culture+stemmed+from+Jobs+chief+rabbi/5736788/story.html

Rabbi Sacks made the following points:

• We are living in the “i” generation – in fact he calls it the selfish “i”
• Advertising makes shoppers aware of what they don’t have – this is now the focus instead of feeling thankful for what we do have.
• Stuff doesn’t make us happy in long run – only faith and spending time with family can do that.
• People are looking for values – values of consumer society aren’t ones we can live by for long
• In the “i” world – when only care about you – you don’t do very well
• “If you are looking for happiness, happiness lies in that which is “not me”.

So how does this play out in our day to day parenting life?

1. With the holidays coming up – consumerism abounds – and that is really becoming a year round extravaganza.

We have the opportunity to notice how consumerism/advertising/the need for stuff affects our family and then to model the values we want to share with our children.

2. Seen at the Flames game on Friday – a family (dad, son (12), daughter (teen) and daughter’s friend) sat together. The dad was on his phone (texting and emailing)the whole game and did not communicate once with his son until the 13 minute mark in the third period. The boy literally sat there by himself for most of the game– the two girls barely watched the game, took pictures of  themselves, texted and laughed a lot which was very distracting for the people  sitting behind them trying to watch the game.

When the dad did talk to the son it lasted about one sentence and the boy replied and that was it! So…did this dad think he was having a night out with his kids to spend time with them and enjoy their company?

Awarness is the key here as it so often is in parenting. We’ve been reading the book Alone Together by MIT Technology and Society Specialist Sherry Turke. Once chapter in the book discusses the effects of  parents’ technology on children.

A)Begin to notice when and where technology is taking you away from your children.

B)Set some familiy boundaries around time and place for the use of technology and MODEL this.

C)When you are choosing to be with your children, be with them – put the phone away and allow conversation to happen. Set a certain time to deal with “urgent” emails and if the phone/ipad/technology is too much of a temptation, turn it off – show your kids that they are more important than the device.

Ulitmately, it is about making a conscious choice around time spent with people and time spent with technology. We each need to find the best fit for our own family.

Just as we give our kids books to nurture their knowledge of reading, giving our kids money as a manipulative enables them to
learn about money – spending, saving and giving. Whether you choose to link money to chores or to keep them separate is a family decision. We’ve put together some questions to ask yourself before you introduce  allowance in your family which you can access
here.

As valuable a teaching tool as it is, allowance can be really exhausting for parents. Having the money ready each week, keeping track
of which child has how much money and making sure that they bring it with them to the store can be exhausting. As parents, we’ve come up with lots of plans over the years – but none of them have worked as well as what Julie started using about 7 months ago: Famzoo.com

That is why we want to tell you about it. Here is a quick video about famzoo.

With Famzoo, Julie no longer has to have spare change on hand – the program deposits the kids’ allowance into their accounts every Monday. Julie’s kids can access their Famzoo accounts on line and know exactly how much money they have in spending, saving and charity accounts. They can even access it when out at a store if they want to know if they can afford an item.
When they buy something, they debit the appropriate account. When they get money as gifts, they credit their account. They are learning about banking fromour family bank on Famzoo.com.

What’s more, they have tracked their savings while saving up for new technology and they have planned their giving (both to charity and to
Julie for her birthday) online as well. This is real-life learning about money in a format that parallels online banking – a skill they will need to know as they gradually take on more financial responsibilities.

We want you to know about Famzoo.com because it makes things so much simpler for everyone in the family. They know that their product is so
good, that they let you try it for free and with our special coupon code PARENTING POWER you can have an extra free month of Famzoo. Even when you start to pay for it, the cost is tiny compared with the amount of time it saves you.
You can even give a subscription of Famzoo as a gift.

So, what do we do with this information?  At Parenting Power, we would suggest you use it first, to increase you awareness of the
impacts and then to make the necessary changes in your home that are needed.  It is not about beating ourselves up if we know already know our
children are in front of a screen at too young of an age or for too long – but accepting where we are as a family and knowing we can set up expectations/guidelines in our home to move forward in a positive direction that best meets the developmental needs of our children.  As a first step we encourage you to increase your awareness of what is realistically happening in your home right now by charting/recording what IS actually happening around screen time in your home on a day to day basis, for a week.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how well you are doing, or see a need for a change.  Awareness and acceptance is a good place to start.

At Parenting Power, we’re hearing this from lots of different parents around the city. We often wonder why this happens because it doesn’t happen to every parent of a child on a higher level team. Different families will respond differently and ultimately, we encourage parents to go back and refer to their ultimate goals for their children with regard to any sport or activity in which they participate.

• Is it to make the top team and win? Maybe.
• Is it for her to have the experience of learning a sport and playing on a team.
• Is it about being the best (measured by goals and wins) or about effort and persistence?
• Are the coaches (usually volunteers) trying their best – probably.
• Is your child having fun?  Is he eager to go to practices and games because it is FUN, that he gets to see his buddies and he may be learning a life time sport that he will enjoy playing his whole life– just for the fun of it?

If your child isn’t initiating some unstructured play on her own with her buddies or jumping at the chance to meet her buddies at the
park or at the rink just for some good old fun, is she really having fun participating in this activity? If your child isn’t having fun and wanting to play just for the fun of it – why is he playing, who is he playing for? We encourage all families to check in from time to time and ask themselves these questions.

But there’s more at play here – sometimes, in an effort to “help” their children, parents end up coaching their kids; from the front seat of the car on the way to and from the game, and from the spectator seats. Often times, parents end up screaming an instruction from the bleachers that is the exact opposite of what a coach has asked the player to do. Then, who does the child listen to – mom/dad or the coach?

Getting involved in a child’s sporting activity means knowing where to draw the lines – what are your family’s rules on showing up for practices/games? Who will coach the child – you or the team’s coaches? How do you celebrate effort? How do you help your child to handle her disappointment? When we have a vision for how our family will handle the situation, we can stay calm in the moment and let everyone take responsibility for their own stuff : parents – to get the kids there, coaches – to coach, kids – to play, learn and have fun.

If this is something you aren’t yet doing in your parenting, but would like to, set aside some times to do it on a regular basis. Perhaps it is at the evening meal – expressing gratitude for the effort that went into preparing the meal, growing the food, setting the table. Initially, we can be responsible for giving thanks but as the routine becomes more familiar, we can suggest to other family members that they can (or are expected to) take a turn. Maybe there is a certain recurring event when you wish that your children expressed thanks to family members or guests. Think about relevant situations for your family and then, let our kids know the expectations through modelling and through clear instructions.

As an example; when heading to a soccer game, we might say, “Uncle Bill and Auntie Joan are coming to watch you today. What can you say when you see them to show your gratitude that they took time out of their schedules to see you?”

Or if visiting friends happen to bring a gift for our children, if the manners don’t present themselves, we can pull the children aside and ask them in the same way. Forcing a child to say thank you often ends up in a power struggle that embarasses everyone present so, if the whole thing is not working in the moment, we can also express thanks for the child, “Johnny is really pleased that you came to watch his game. Thanks so much.” Then leave it for the time being. After the fact or later that day/early the next day, we can say, “I was disappointed yesterday and I wanted to talk about manners and gratitude. I expected you to thank visitors for coming to cheer you on (or whatever the situation) but I guess that didn’t come up in your mind. In our family, we always thank friends and family for coming when they join us. What can you say the next time this happens?”

If the child is nervous about it, or doesn’t know what to say, we can work with them to come up with a script. And then, on the way to the event or when family members are arriving, we can mention -ok guys, remember your manners here. OR What do you need to say to be polite?

The kids could also give a quick phone call or email after the fact thanking the visitors for coming – they can learn and make amends when they have made a mistake. It really is a teaching process so have age-appropriate expectations and learn from mistakes that arise along the way. Bottom line, our kids really aren’t going to get it unless we model it, teach it, expect it and reinforce it.