If you are a hardened homework parent, you may be reflecting on previous homework battles and frustrations, hesitant to jump into it yet again. One of the most common questions we answer is, “Why do my kids need homework?”

In addition to providing children with the opportunity to practice and improve academic skills, homework can help children to learn responsibility, self-discipline, independence, perseverance and time management; skills which can further an individual’s success in all areas of life.

Parenting is about teaching our children to teach themselves. By supporting them in acheiving their scholastic goals and requirements, we help them to feel capable. If we value education, our children must see it in our actions in addition to our words.

Here are a 5 tips to help parents and children make the most of doing homework.

1. Keep the Balance

Whose homework is it? As parents we’ve already done many years of homework. Too much parental involvement results in a system out of balance.  A parent’s role is that of a facilitator, supporting and promoting the homework process but playing only a brief role. Rather than expecting perfection, allow the teacher to see where a child has difficulty. This can help the teacher know what the student still needs to learn.

2. Routine

Reestablish family routines, including expectations for homework. Discuss ground rules for homework and allow your children to be active participants in this discussion (example: Math first, thenReading). Involvement allows the child to feel like in control over the situation. Plan a productive time when homework fits into the daily schedule. This may vary with extra-curricular commitments.

3. A Place for Homework

Establish a consistent homework location. This will support the routine. Allowing the homework to occupy center stage in your home may result in too much parental participation. Some children work better with music in the background, others don’t. Find out what works well for your child. It may be different for one child than for another…that’s okay – they are different people with different needs.

4. Supplies

Children spend a lot of time not doing homework while looking for a missing ruler or eraser. Create a box of supplies that are kept at the homework location sot that the pursuit of the ruler does not land them in front of the television.

5. What You Should Expect

We all know that old habits are hard to break, so don’t expect a quick fix. Change can be fragile, particularly in the early stages and relapses can occur. Try not to slip back into taking more responsibility than your role should have. Talk with your child’s teacher if homework is taking longer than you expect. With open communication between teacher, student and parent, everyone can gain from this process.

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/culture+stemmed+from+Jobs+chief+rabbi/5736788/story.html

Rabbi Sacks made the following points:

• We are living in the “i” generation – in fact he calls it the selfish “i”
• Advertising makes shoppers aware of what they don’t have – this is now the focus instead of feeling thankful for what we do have.
• Stuff doesn’t make us happy in long run – only faith and spending time with family can do that.
• People are looking for values – values of consumer society aren’t ones we can live by for long
• In the “i” world – when only care about you – you don’t do very well
• “If you are looking for happiness, happiness lies in that which is “not me”.

So how does this play out in our day to day parenting life?

1. With the holidays coming up – consumerism abounds – and that is really becoming a year round extravaganza.

We have the opportunity to notice how consumerism/advertising/the need for stuff affects our family and then to model the values we want to share with our children.

2. Seen at the Flames game on Friday – a family (dad, son (12), daughter (teen) and daughter’s friend) sat together. The dad was on his phone (texting and emailing)the whole game and did not communicate once with his son until the 13 minute mark in the third period. The boy literally sat there by himself for most of the game– the two girls barely watched the game, took pictures of  themselves, texted and laughed a lot which was very distracting for the people  sitting behind them trying to watch the game.

When the dad did talk to the son it lasted about one sentence and the boy replied and that was it! So…did this dad think he was having a night out with his kids to spend time with them and enjoy their company?

Awarness is the key here as it so often is in parenting. We’ve been reading the book Alone Together by MIT Technology and Society Specialist Sherry Turke. Once chapter in the book discusses the effects of  parents’ technology on children.

A)Begin to notice when and where technology is taking you away from your children.

B)Set some familiy boundaries around time and place for the use of technology and MODEL this.

C)When you are choosing to be with your children, be with them – put the phone away and allow conversation to happen. Set a certain time to deal with “urgent” emails and if the phone/ipad/technology is too much of a temptation, turn it off – show your kids that they are more important than the device.

Ulitmately, it is about making a conscious choice around time spent with people and time spent with technology. We each need to find the best fit for our own family.

Just as we give our kids books to nurture their knowledge of reading, giving our kids money as a manipulative enables them to
learn about money – spending, saving and giving. Whether you choose to link money to chores or to keep them separate is a family decision. We’ve put together some questions to ask yourself before you introduce  allowance in your family which you can access
here.

As valuable a teaching tool as it is, allowance can be really exhausting for parents. Having the money ready each week, keeping track
of which child has how much money and making sure that they bring it with them to the store can be exhausting. As parents, we’ve come up with lots of plans over the years – but none of them have worked as well as what Julie started using about 7 months ago: Famzoo.com

That is why we want to tell you about it. Here is a quick video about famzoo.

With Famzoo, Julie no longer has to have spare change on hand – the program deposits the kids’ allowance into their accounts every Monday. Julie’s kids can access their Famzoo accounts on line and know exactly how much money they have in spending, saving and charity accounts. They can even access it when out at a store if they want to know if they can afford an item.
When they buy something, they debit the appropriate account. When they get money as gifts, they credit their account. They are learning about banking fromour family bank on Famzoo.com.

What’s more, they have tracked their savings while saving up for new technology and they have planned their giving (both to charity and to
Julie for her birthday) online as well. This is real-life learning about money in a format that parallels online banking – a skill they will need to know as they gradually take on more financial responsibilities.

We want you to know about Famzoo.com because it makes things so much simpler for everyone in the family. They know that their product is so
good, that they let you try it for free and with our special coupon code PARENTING POWER you can have an extra free month of Famzoo. Even when you start to pay for it, the cost is tiny compared with the amount of time it saves you.
You can even give a subscription of Famzoo as a gift.

So, what do we do with this information?  At Parenting Power, we would suggest you use it first, to increase you awareness of the
impacts and then to make the necessary changes in your home that are needed.  It is not about beating ourselves up if we know already know our
children are in front of a screen at too young of an age or for too long – but accepting where we are as a family and knowing we can set up expectations/guidelines in our home to move forward in a positive direction that best meets the developmental needs of our children.  As a first step we encourage you to increase your awareness of what is realistically happening in your home right now by charting/recording what IS actually happening around screen time in your home on a day to day basis, for a week.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how well you are doing, or see a need for a change.  Awareness and acceptance is a good place to start.

At Parenting Power, we’re hearing this from lots of different parents around the city. We often wonder why this happens because it doesn’t happen to every parent of a child on a higher level team. Different families will respond differently and ultimately, we encourage parents to go back and refer to their ultimate goals for their children with regard to any sport or activity in which they participate.

• Is it to make the top team and win? Maybe.
• Is it for her to have the experience of learning a sport and playing on a team.
• Is it about being the best (measured by goals and wins) or about effort and persistence?
• Are the coaches (usually volunteers) trying their best – probably.
• Is your child having fun?  Is he eager to go to practices and games because it is FUN, that he gets to see his buddies and he may be learning a life time sport that he will enjoy playing his whole life– just for the fun of it?

If your child isn’t initiating some unstructured play on her own with her buddies or jumping at the chance to meet her buddies at the
park or at the rink just for some good old fun, is she really having fun participating in this activity? If your child isn’t having fun and wanting to play just for the fun of it – why is he playing, who is he playing for? We encourage all families to check in from time to time and ask themselves these questions.

But there’s more at play here – sometimes, in an effort to “help” their children, parents end up coaching their kids; from the front seat of the car on the way to and from the game, and from the spectator seats. Often times, parents end up screaming an instruction from the bleachers that is the exact opposite of what a coach has asked the player to do. Then, who does the child listen to – mom/dad or the coach?

Getting involved in a child’s sporting activity means knowing where to draw the lines – what are your family’s rules on showing up for practices/games? Who will coach the child – you or the team’s coaches? How do you celebrate effort? How do you help your child to handle her disappointment? When we have a vision for how our family will handle the situation, we can stay calm in the moment and let everyone take responsibility for their own stuff : parents – to get the kids there, coaches – to coach, kids – to play, learn and have fun.

If this is something you aren’t yet doing in your parenting, but would like to, set aside some times to do it on a regular basis. Perhaps it is at the evening meal – expressing gratitude for the effort that went into preparing the meal, growing the food, setting the table. Initially, we can be responsible for giving thanks but as the routine becomes more familiar, we can suggest to other family members that they can (or are expected to) take a turn. Maybe there is a certain recurring event when you wish that your children expressed thanks to family members or guests. Think about relevant situations for your family and then, let our kids know the expectations through modelling and through clear instructions.

As an example; when heading to a soccer game, we might say, “Uncle Bill and Auntie Joan are coming to watch you today. What can you say when you see them to show your gratitude that they took time out of their schedules to see you?”

Or if visiting friends happen to bring a gift for our children, if the manners don’t present themselves, we can pull the children aside and ask them in the same way. Forcing a child to say thank you often ends up in a power struggle that embarasses everyone present so, if the whole thing is not working in the moment, we can also express thanks for the child, “Johnny is really pleased that you came to watch his game. Thanks so much.” Then leave it for the time being. After the fact or later that day/early the next day, we can say, “I was disappointed yesterday and I wanted to talk about manners and gratitude. I expected you to thank visitors for coming to cheer you on (or whatever the situation) but I guess that didn’t come up in your mind. In our family, we always thank friends and family for coming when they join us. What can you say the next time this happens?”

If the child is nervous about it, or doesn’t know what to say, we can work with them to come up with a script. And then, on the way to the event or when family members are arriving, we can mention -ok guys, remember your manners here. OR What do you need to say to be polite?

The kids could also give a quick phone call or email after the fact thanking the visitors for coming – they can learn and make amends when they have made a mistake. It really is a teaching process so have age-appropriate expectations and learn from mistakes that arise along the way. Bottom line, our kids really aren’t going to get it unless we model it, teach it, expect it and reinforce it.

It starts as a toddler. Our little one refuses to hand over
a toy or stop an activity. In his mind, the idea that anyone would want to stop
him from doing what he is doing is inconceivable due to his egocentric stage of
development. There is only one point of view – his own. HOW could Mom or Dad
want something different than what he knows to be true for his happiness?

It continues through 3 and 4. Egocentric development gives
way and our preschooler starts to realise that there are other points of view.
But she is often being told what to do, and where/when to do it. As she
realises that she is more capable, she fights for the opportunity to control
the situation.

Does it stop in Kindergarten? Elementary school? Certainly
not Jr. High and kids are pushing for control through High School and beyond.

What about at work? On the hockey rink? Wouldn’t it be great
to finally have control on the golf course? What about if those other drivers
would learn how to drive the right way – like us? How about when our kids don’t
listen or do what we want them to do?

Wait a minute? Do we ever stop fighting for control? That,
dear reader is up to you.

Humans love predictability. We crave routine and love to
know how things are going to happen with all of the details. We often dread
change and will work hard to preserve the status quo even when we don’t really
like it that much.

And yet it has been said that the only 2 constants in the
world are death and taxes. Taxes are always changing and death is something of
a change itself. Change is all we have going for us and controlling it is
pretty hard to do.

This explains our love of routine – it brings us safety and
predictability and a false sense of control in a world where things are
constantly in flux. When we think about it that way, it is not hard to see why
our kids want control/power from such an early age. Knowing how things are
going to work brings comfort, a sense of safety and intelligence.

So how do we stop the fight for control?

1. It takes two to tango – if
   one of us stops, the dance is over.

Often when facing a defiant
child, it is easy to get caught up in the race to be the one with more power.
I’m the adult, I’m the parent, what I say goes! We are modelling the fight for
power and our kids learn this one quite well.

At Parenting Power, we rely on a
change in perception:

You against your child  becomes you and your child against the
situation.

Suddenly, you and your child are
on the same side, working together to solve the problem.

You might say, “Wow – we have a
problem here. I want this and you want this, how are we going to make this
happen?

2. Handing over power when it
   can be handed over

There are many situations in
which parents must have the final say. However, in many instances, we are
maintaining power in situations where it is no longer required and doing things
for our children which they are able to do for themselves. Children’s abilities
are changing constantly and sometimes we are so busy with life that we don’t see
how capable they are. We argue with them about eating a snack, getting ready
for school, or doing homework when they are ready to be involved in making a
plan for this, and doing it for themselves. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t
there to love them, teach them, and support them, but we can become open to
their strengths and hand over some of the decision-making and problem-solving
to them.

Ultimately, our ability to control what is happening in our
lives is minimal and that can be very difficult to accept. Perhaps that is why
we struggle to control the things we think we can: the behaviour of our
children. Having realistic expectations of ourselves and the extent of our
control can be the first step of awareness to giving up the fight. Modelling
that for our children, may be the next.

If you are directing your child to say sorry ‘in the moment’, you are not teaching, you are forcing them and potentially entering a power-struggle. This is an external motivation and will likely not result in a sincere apology so the message is not really value-based (remorse, forgiveness, honesty).

Real teaching happens when we are not ‘in the moment’. During family time (meeting, dinner table, car-ride) you can introduce the question, “What are our values?” You might ask, “What happens if you treat someone poorly? What should you do? How do you make amends? What are some words you can use?” Families can role-play this for practice.

If your child did something wrong and an apology was not offered, you can wait for a quiet moment and remind the child, “It is still expected that you will apologize to your friend. Will you be writing a note, making a phone call or shall I drive you there? Do you need my help in coming up with what to say?”

Lastly, make expectations known: “The next time you hurt a friend, we expect you to apologize at the time. When you choose not to, your behaviour is telling us that you are not ready to go back for another play date.”

If the child is too young to get this, we can model for our children, “I need to apologize on behalf of our family for Johnny’s behaviour.”

Baby’s arrival can be as frustrating for Big Sibling as it is exciting for others. Big Sib didn’t want this new child and is no longer the star of the show. Surely, misbehaviour will bring all the attention that Big Sib needs.

• Create a “treasure box” with Big Sib, full of books, blocks, independent activities and shelf-stable snacks. At baby’s feeding time, invite Big Sib to grab the treasure box. He can help himself to a snack while baby is eating, then the two of you can read a book together. Giving attention for behaviour we want to see means that Big Sib doesn’t have to resort to misbehaviour for attention.

Be realistic about sharing – kids this age are egocentric – they believe that their point of view is the only one: “Everyone knows that I want this toy now. No one else will take it.” We can introduce/model sharing by:

• Playing turn-taking games – passing a ball, truck or hat to each child for their turn. Kids learn that turns happen in a certain order and come around again and again.
• Get enough cookies or fruit to ‘share’ with everyone in the family and have your little ones share it so that they learn what it feels like to give to others.
• We don’t have to share everything. Let kids have ownership of one or two things which stay on a shelf where baby sib can’t reach them.

When kids are fighting over a toy, step in and guide children. Express your belief that it can work, “I know that you two can find a way to make this work”. Guiding when they are too young to do it on their own will be the first step in their development as problem-solvers.