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Do your kids really hear you?
Parenting Power Admin May 21, 2015 No Comments

Do your kids really hear you?

It can feel so frustrating! Once again, (How many times is it this week?) you walk into the house to find that the task they said they would do remains undone. Launching into an eloquent, well-rehearsed tirade beginning with your child’s full name (middle name emphasized), you proceed to beg, plead, underline, nag and demand that from now on, things will be different!

All the while, you are straightening shoes, hanging up coats and moving back-packs out of the way…essentially doing the things that that didn’t get done by your kids.

Today we’re asking:

Do your kids really hear you?

Yes and No.

No – when you are yelling, shaming or belittling your kids, they are shutting down. It is the fight or flight response. They aren’t listening to you. At least, they aren’t hearing and learning what to do differently. They aren’t deciding to change their ways.

Yes – They are hearing that they are bad and incapable.
Shame = I am bad. I am not loveable.

They are also learning that in addition to yelling and reacting, parents will do my stuff for me if I can just wait long enough. When we take on our kids responsibilities, we teach them not to bother.

Staying present in parenting means noticing when you are so well-rehearsed at a rant that it is time to make a change. The change happens in making a plan with your kids. It means clarifying expectations – getting very precise about the time and steps of a process; and clarifying the consequences.

One of the simplest consequences to use is to require a task to be completed and nothing happens until the task is done. If that means missing soccer practice, in addition, it means having the child call the the coach and explain why she didn’t make it to practice.

We also need to change our own behaviour. Find another audience for your rants. Develop cue words to direct and guide your kids.Using one or two words rather than launching into a sermon, “Shoes.” “Where does this coat need to be?” means that the kids take responsibility and are open to hearing you and learning to change their own behaviour.

This week: Gain awareness – when are you most likely to react and rant? Are there tasks you ask your kids to do and do for them anyway? Pick one situation and create clarity around expectations, consequences and your script (cue words). Set everyone up for success and help your kids to hear you and to learn.

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Stop Yelling At Your Kids

This downloadable .mp3 helps you to realize when and why you are yelling at your kids and gives you the tools to make a change. Learn new language to help you communicate your feelings without scaring your kids. Buy now!

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